Oni, Abbie, and Caedus
by Onimiman
Summary: This was done without my beta reader; and in this fic, we get to see what happens when, in the afterlife, Onimi, Abeloth, and Darth Caedus all interact with each other. Prepare for sheev; uh, I mean, sheer insanity, because things will get Harry S. Plinkett, uh, I mean hairy. Yes, the sheev intensity will make things get Harry S. Plinkett. Yeah.


Darth Caedus, the all-too-brief ruler of the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances, sat on a ghostly chair and fumed in the dark abyss that was the Netherworld of the Force, enduring the torture that the Force had deemed would be his hell.

"We! Are never, ever, ever, ever! Getting back together!"

Before him, the multi-tentacle being known as Abeloth sung a song from a galaxy far, far away from Jacen's own, which came from a pop star artist named Taylor Swift. And that was all that Abeloth did here; an entity who once strived for godhood in the mortal realm was now reduced to being nothing more than the equivalent of a whining teenage girl who didn't get to date the boy she wanted, singing several songs about that loss.

And in this case, Abeloth's "boy" was none other than Jacen Solo's own Uncle Luke, who had turned down Abeloth's attempts to make him a part of her when she tried to take over the galaxy.

Several songs later, Abeloth sang the song "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus.

"I came in like a wrecking ball! All I ever wanted was to break your walls! All you ever did was br-re-a-k me!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you self-deluded whore!"

Abeloth stopped immediately as she turned in the Netherworld with Caedus.

And there, they found the spirit of the Yuuzhan Vong who brought Jacen Solo down to the road of being Darth Caedus.

"You know what you are?" Onimi retorted to Abeloth. "All you are is an attention-seeking teenager who wants everyone to love her! Well, guess what, you tentacled freak, no one likes you! No one loves you! So do everyone in the Netherworld a favor and you take your gothy angst, shove it up your ancient, dusty ass, and suffer in peace, as the rest of us try to do around here!"

"Oh, yeah?" Abeloth replied. "This coming from the ugly fucker who looks like his face was stretched into laffy-taffy? How about you shut the fuck up, Quasimodo?"

"Quasimodo at least had actual problems, being the ugly shit he was, you dumb bitch!" Onimi argued. "All I see from you is a first-world white suburban valley girl whose biggest problem is whether or not her parents are going to get her her dream car for the summer! Me, I'm the fucking starving African kid whose mom died of AIDS, leaving me to fend for myself amongst a bunch of warlords who want to get me to be a soldier at the earliest time. And who knows what the fuck happened to my dad!"

Abeloth sounded flustered, and stumbled on her words as she tried to get out a reply. "Oh, yeah? Well... at least people actually did like me! Who the hell liked you while you were alive?"

"My escape ship," Onimi said in depression. "I biologically joined and wedded myself to her; I even made a crevice with an impromptu clit on a wall for me to fuck. I'll tell you, the honeymoon was a night to remember."

Caedus and Abeloth both just stared at Onimi in shock at what he just told them.

"But let's keep in mind, you _tricked_ people into liking you," Onimi pointed out.

"And what did you do to make Shimrra allow you into his court as a jester?" Abeloth countered with a self-satisfied grin.

Onimi hesitated for a moment. "Again, shut the fuck up, c***."

"I would imagine that women would want to shut their c***s when they saw your ugly mug," Abeloth responded flippantly.

"You'd make men's dicks shrivel up into their own bodies because the dicks would be scared of you, you hag!" Onimi argued. "But, hey, that wasn't a problem with you now, was it, Yun-Shuno?" Onimi asked, turning his attention over to Caedus.

Caedus remembered that Yun-Shuno was the Pardoner goddess among the Yuuzhan Vong, the most feared deity in the pantheon, and the one whom Onimi had mistaken Jacen Solo to be via his Force-presence.

"Yeah, you got to fuck that hot-ass Hapan queen. Yeah, and you brought about a daughter who I'm betting will grow up to be a galaxy-class sperm dumpster like her mother when she grows up," Onimi said.

Caedus immediately rushed out of the ghostly chair and tried to tackle Onimi, only for the spirit of the dead Yuuzhan Vong Shamed One to phase right through.

"Ha-ha," Onimi said derisively, turning to face Caedus.

"Don't you dare make fun of my daughter again," the Sith Lord growled.

"Or what?" Onimi asked, holding his arms out wide. "You couldn't even control the galaxy for over a _year_. I had my people control Coruscant for twice that length, at least! So why should I be afraid of one of the biggest failures of Sith to come since the wrath of Kaan!" Onimi screamed Skere Kaan's name as if it were the titular villain of _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_. "You are in _no_ position to be making threats to me or anyone else around here."

"Oh-ho, it seems like you've grown some balls since you've been dead," Caedus said.

"My ship would say otherwise if she could talk," Onimi interjected.

Caedus, out of irritation, fell silent for a moment before resuming. "I killed you before, remember?"

"And that affects us now how?" Onimi retorted. "We're already dead, dumbass! The worst you can do to me is call me an ugly fuck or something like that, and believe me, I went through enough of that when I was alive as a Shamed One. Oh, by the way, very nice job trying to protect your daughter; she only had to kill several times thanks to your idiocy, causing her so much childhood trauma that it's actually kinda funny."

"No, actually, you know what's really funny?" Abeloth put in. "You dying by him using the Force."

"Yeah, so?" Onimi asked.

"Bitch, please, I've been blasted by the Force, too, and I made it out of that," Abeloth said.

"Yeah, only for the death you would actually have come in the form of a knife and a big piece of craftsmanship," Onimi countered. "Ooohhh! Big scary monster-god lady gets killed by stuff that mere mortals could die from. Gimme a fucking break."

"Oh, yeah, so how does it feel to be killed by a whiny emo, huh?" Abeloth asked.

"You tell me. You're the one who died thanks to a couple of teenagers."

"I was weakened by my other deaths! And those bodies were killed by experienced Jedi and Sith! And those teenagers were pretty powerful with the Force!"

"Does that really excuse you being killed by two teenagers, though?" Onimi retorted. "Jacen was at least a legal adult when he killed me."

"You wanna go off on comparing me to a teenager, saying how fucking pathetic I am for being defeated by a couple of them?" Abeloth asked. "Well, how about the guy who actually killed you? I actually listened to some of his song selections; you know that song 'How Could This Happen to Me' by Simple Plan?"

Onimi looked back at Caedus with irritation. "Really?"

Caedus ignored Onimi and looked over to Abeloth. "Hey, at least I don't sing that!"

"Yes, you do, you just sing it privately, fuckface!" Abeloth said.

"Hey, why do you have to go through my shit? Is nothing sacred anymore? How could this happen to me?! I made my mistakes! Got nowhere to run! And life goes on as I'm just fading away! I'm sick of this life! I just want to scream! How could this happen to me?!"

"You're right, how could _this_ happen to _me_?" Onimi retorted. "You and your singing can invert each other on this plane of existence so that you can both go up your ass, you fucking clown!"

"Look, Elephant Man, at least I could have still got laid with a pussy that I didn't have to outright create even after I became a dark sider!"

"And I could fuck multiple people at the same time, whether they had dicks or pussies!" Abeloth proclaimed.

The argument between the three of them then erupted into full-blown chaos as they talked over each other.

And then a wizened-looking old man appeared from off to the side of the dark abyss, silencing their argument.

"You all suck," Palpatine said.

An awkward moment of silence passed before Abeloth blurted out, "Who are you to talk, _Sheev_?"

Palpatine was quiet for a moment before yelling out, "That's it!" He then threw up both hands and unleashed a wave of the Force that managed to wipe out both Caedus and Abeloth.

But only Onimi remained in the aftermath.

"What the hell did you just do?" the Yuuzhan Vong asked.

"Whenever anyone mentions my name without my permission, it doesn't fucking matter how powerful in the Force they are," Palpatine said. "They will die, even when they're already dead."

"So what happened to them?" Onimi asked.

"You ever see that movie _Drive Angry_ with Nicolas Cage?" Palpatine inquired.

"Yes?"

"I pretty much did to them what that Godgun does to others when it kills people; wipes them away from existence completely."

"Huh. Okay, so why am I still here?" Onimi asked.

"Because I actually kind of like you," Palpatine said. "After all, you're the only one of those three who doesn't sing any pop songs from Earth in the Milky Way on your off-time."

"Well, good to know," Onimi said. "Say, speaking of _Drive Angry_, how did you feel about that movie?"

"It was terrible," Palpatine said. "It was a movie that tried to be cool and failed because of it, especially when it lacked Nicolas Cage going insane like he did in _The Wicker Man_. I mean, really, where the hell else are going to find an actor willing to punch out a woman while wearing a fucking bear costume or scream unconvincingly about fake CGI bees swarming his face? _Drive Angry_ really lacked the bears and the bees."

"Isn't birds and the bees the slang for sex?" Onimi asked.

"Yes, I know, you see, I did a thing there," Palpatine said.

"That was pretty good, I'll admit," Onimi said. "But, eh, you see, I find that Nicolas Cage's performance in _Vampire's Kiss_ was a lot more consistently entertaining than _Wicker Man_."

"_Vampire's Kiss_, is that the movie where Nicolas Cage recites the alphabet in the most hilarious way and runs down the street screaming, 'I'm a vampire, I'm a vampire, I'm a vampire!'?"

"Yeah, that's the one!" Onimi proclaimed.

"Oh, that was good," Palpatine agreed.

"But why did you say I sucked with Caedus and Abbie back there?" Onimi asked.

"Well, Oni, that's because with you, I meant to say that you sucked for not conjuring up a Yuuzhan Vong ship in this plane so I can watch you fuck it," Palpatine replied.

"What?"

"Do that, or I wipe you from existence," Palpatine intoned.

"Okay," Onimi replied without hesitation. And in an instant, a bullet-shaped Vong ship, much like the one which Onimi was wedded to in life, manifested behind him, and he turned to start fucking it in a vagina that had also appeared there.

"Good," Palpatine said. "Gooooood."

"Hey, Sheev, did you eat any of my ghost meds again?" Harry S. Plinkett asked when he entered in behind Palpatine; then, just as he entered, he said, "What the fuck is going on here?" as soon as he saw what Onimi was doing with the manifested ship.

"Happiness is going on right now, Lord Plinkett," Palpatine said as he jerked off on his erect ghost penis.

"Oh, my God!" Plinkett responded. "...This is one of the sexiest things I've ever seen! And I know the perfect song to this!"

Then...

"So it's gonna be forever! Or it's gonna go down in flames! You can tell me when it's over! If the hype was worth the pain!"

"Ah, good Tay Sway," Sheev said with contentment.

And all the while, every single crazy performance of Nicolas Cage played in the background of Plinkett's cover of "Blank Space," culminating with the footage of him punching out a woman while wearing his famous bear suit.

However, the woman was, at the same time, Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Abeloth.


End file.
